Why you may not be getting the support you think you’re asking for.
I’ve got a little something for you today that’s helpful even for the work world, or with spouses and friends.
We’ve all had those moments when we’ve asked for help, only to hear the chirping of crickets. No one steps up. But what if this is a pattern?
What if we never seem to get the support we need?
I used to wonder why this was an issue for me. Since then, I’ve learned a few things about why this happens and I’m excited to share them with you so you can stop feeling lonely and unsupported. You can ask for support. And actually get it.
Are you getting the support you need?
Have you ever said to yourself (or maybe even out loud) “Why doesn’t anyone put their dirty socks in the laundry basket? Why do I have to nag all the time? I’m responsible for everything around here and no one is helping! Sound familiar?
There was a time I would resentfully do a job because I thought I did it better. My loved ones would hear me sigh heavily, even stomp around like a pouting toddler. I was frustrated, angry and sad. I felt like others couldn’t or wouldn’t help me. It was a lonely and confusing experience. I’m sure it wasn’t very enjoyable for the other people in my life, either.
Once I became a mom, it became even more important to figure this one out. I couldn’t very well go blustering around like a maniac, teaching my little ones that what they do is never good enough. Parenting is hard enough when there is lots of support. There was no way I could do this without having any. And neither can you. Let’s have a deeper look into this issue.
What might be getting in your way?
I have discovered a few things about support over the past few years that I would love to share with you. Some of the reasons may surprise you, but be open to the ideas here. Pay attention to any parts that elicit an emotional response. Those are the ones you want to investigate further.
- You may not actually be open to receiving help even though you seem to be asking.
- You may be presenting yourself as not needing help (Hint: Do others compliment you on how organized or “together” you are?)
What behaviours might you see if you are not open to support?
- You are not actually asking for help.
- You are unclear or indirect with your requests.
- You ask for help from someone you know is unwilling or unable to assist.
- When people offer, you are refusing in a subtle or not so subtle way.
- When others help, you criticize or redo the task.
These all boil down to either:
1) not asking in a way that will get you the help or
2) not being willing to accept it
I’m sure you can guess what happens if we don’t change this pattern.
- We get more frustrated, angry and resentful.
- We don’t ever get the support we need.
- People become confused or frustrated and usually stop trying to help us.
- Plus we erode the quality of our relationships and can even alienate those we love.
This is me! Now what?
- Be honest with yourself.
- Get crystal clear on what you need.
- Ask for help from someone willing and able to provide it.
- For the love of all that’s good and holy, allow
- Practice allowing by accepting compliments with a simple thank you.
- Explore the guilt when others do something for you.
- Explore what you might be gaining from ‘doing it all yourself’. Recognition? Acknowledgement? Feelings of superiority?
- Be honest with others about what’s really been going on and what you’re changing.
- Be willing to give up the martyr role in favour of creating more love, support and connection with those around you.
- Seek help if you need a sounding board or an honest perspective to explore these issues.